17yo wants to move out...again

She and 'Other Mother' (long story, for those who are just tuning in...) hatched a plan to get a house together.  The good news is...it's not with her gangster fiance!  The bad news is that I know there is so much more I would like to teach her...and I worry that I may never have the chance.  But she has been very distant lately, and I might not have had the chance anyway.

As usual, I am torn as to whether I should give her my blessing, or go over there and tell her "NO WAY!"  We haven't talked about the 'real' reason she may be moving...so I can only try to put the pieces of the puzzle together.  There is a lot going on her life, and getting away just may be the most constructive thing she can do for now.  It always pains me that she never seems to think that staying home and being more involved with the family might be the better answer.  

She has been really cranky lately.  She is short with me, even when I'm trying to make pleasant conversation.  I hate to assume the worst, but this is how she is when she's using meth.  When she's not cranky, she is morose and sulky.  Maybe it's drugs, maybe not.  Either way, my interpretation is that she is really disappointed...in herself, and in her boyfriend...who hasn't been around lately.

One reason he hasn't been around lately is that I told him he had to leave our house.  The free ride was over!  He was sleeping on our couch for a month, not following through on any of the jobs he was supposedly going to get, or doing anything he ever said he was going to do.  We learned that he lies...CONSTANTLY!  About EVERYTHING! It doesn't seem to matter to him that his lies will be found out.  And some of those lies concerned the kids he had that were taken away.

Initially, we had given him the benefit of the doubt about it.  He told us he was in jail when it happened, and when he got out, there was nothing he could do.  His 'baby momma' was an addict, and the children were found in deplorable condition.  He told my daughter that when he was around, the kids were well taken care of.  It was all 'baby momma's' fault, of course.

I took the opportunity to read the court papers.  He may have been in jail when they were taken away, but there was a whole year when he could have gotten them back if he had only taken the neccessary steps!  He didn't even try!  He never even took the FIRST step!  The state sued for permanant custody, and won.  He said goodbye to his children for the last time the Friday before Father's Day.  It was hard to read his reaction.

Now, I believe in second chances.  But I feel a strong duty to my daughter and future grandchildren.  I couldn't, in good conscience, stand idly by and watch him lead her on with his big stories and lies, without at least some indication that he was moving in a more positive direction.  She was already frustrated with him...but she was naive enough to keep hoping.  

So, I wrote a letter to him, as if he were already my son-in-law, admonishing him to pull himself together, and to and prove his love for my daughter by doing all that he could to provide for her in love and benevolence.  I explained in great detail what that looks like, knowing that he never had a father as a role model.  I used my husbands as an example.  He's not perfect, but he has been willing in so many ways to sacrifice for his family.  That's all I want to see.  I gave it to my daughter first, and asked if it would be helpful.  She liked the letter, so I gave it to her to give to him if she felt it was appropriate.  She did.

I was pretty sure it would have no effect on her fiance.  After all, if a letter from DHS telling him they may take permanant custody of his kids doesn't call him to action...I don't know what will!  But I wasn't really writing it for his sake.  I was writing it for my daughter's sake...so she would be mindful of what a good husband and father does...so she might be awakened to what I know in her heart she hopes for...and so she can see his reaction to being called to attention about it.

Anyway, I suspect that this move is to get away from him...and this town...and the drugs that are so prevalent...and so easy to drown your sorrows in.  So my first reaction isn't to deny her the right to do what she may need to do.  But then again, I do have some suspicions about 'other mother'.  She, suposedly, is leaving her husband in order to do this.  I don't want my daughter to have to bear with another unstable situation.  I suspect this woman needs my daughter (as a minor) in order to qualify for housing assistance.  She will be 18 soon...what then?  I worry that this woman will encourage my daughter to try to get social security again, to help them continue her 'dependent lifestyle'.  If I'm right, I fear it will impede the growth that my daughter needs to experience right now. 

At the very least, it smacks of "rescue".  I don't want my daughter to think she needs anyone to 'rescue' her!  But then again...that is what I tried to do by telling her boyfriend he had to leave, and by writing that letter.  But, in my own defense, I wasn't physically rescuing her.  I was merely presenting truth.  It was up to her what she did with it.  Anyway, I feel I need to have another honest talk.  I'm going right now!